Why Are We So Ashamed to Talk About Money?
Today I had a conversation with Barbara Quan (financewithbarbara.com) about two subjects that apparently make people incredibly uncomfortable: sex and money. At one point I told her, “I don’t know if you know this, but finances are actually more taboo than sex.”
Her response was basically, “Oh, I know.”
And immediately, I knew we were going to get along.
Barbara works in the financial world, and one of the things that drew us together was comedy. She had seen how I use humor to talk about sex and was curious about whether some of those same strategies could be used to make conversations about finances easier.
Sex is uncomfortable. It’s vulnerable. People have been taught not to talk about it. I’ve learned that humor can lower people’s defenses just enough that they’re willing to stay in the conversation.
Barbara is seeing something remarkably similar with money.
The more we talked, the more I realized that sex and money don't just share taboo. They share shame. And shame makes learning incredibly expensive.
The Learning Curve: From Anxious to Confident
I’ve been developing a model for understanding how people learn that looks something like this:
Anxiety → Awkward → Familiar → Competent → Confident.
We tend to think confidence should come first, but usually it comes much later. When you do something new, you often feel anxious.
Then you feel awkward because you don’t really know what you’re doing yet.
Eventually, with enough exposure and practice, it becomes familiar.
Familiarity allows you to build competence.
And competence eventually creates confidence.
Barbara gave me a perfect example during our conversation. She speaks, teaches and does webinars regularly, and she told me she still experiences anxiety before speaking.
I loved hearing that because it reminded me of something important: anxiety isn't necessarily evidence that you're doing something wrong. Sometimes anxiety simply means there is uncertainty and risk here. I care about what happens next.
And financial decisions certainly qualify.
Financial Secrets: When Shame Makes Us Hide
The problem isn't necessarily the anxiety. The problem is what happens when normal anxiety gets turned into an indictment of ourselves. "I should know better. I shouldn't have this much debt. I should be making more money by now. What are people going to think of me? How could I have screwed this up?"
Now we're no longer simply learning. We're learning through shame.
Barbara told me that she sees people hide financial information because they're ashamed of it. They might hide debt or avoid admitting that they made a mistake. They might not want someone to know how much they spent or how much they actually have. Sometimes that secrecy can become so significant that it turns into financial infidelity.
As a marriage and sex therapist, I immediately recognized the pattern because I've seen versions of it with couples:
Someone isn't earning what they believe they're supposed to earn.
Someone made a financial choice they regret.
Someone is terrified of admitting how bad things have gotten.
So instead of talking about it, they hide it.
When a Number Starts to Feel Like a Judgment of Your Worth
I also understand that reaction personally. I remember sitting in a meeting with a financial professional and being asked how much money I was making. It was just a number. It should have been neutral information. But almost immediately my brain went to, "What is she going to think of me? I should be making more. Why am I not making what I think I'm supposed to be making? What's wrong with me?"
Somewhere along the way, I had created a number in my head that represented what I believed I should be making. When my actual number didn't match that imaginary number, I didn't just interpret it as information about my business.
I interpreted it as information about me.
That's shame.
Shame Makes the Lesson More Expensive
And this may be one of the biggest things I'm learning as a therapist, business owner and human being:
It doesn't matter what mistakes you've made up to this point. Shame will not make the lesson cheaper. It usually makes it more expensive.
When shame gets layered onto the natural anxiety of learning, we start reacting instead of thinking.
We hide, avoid, overcorrect.
We throw money at solutions because we desperately want the problem to go away.
We refuse to change something because changing it would require admitting that our circumstances have changed.
We make decisions from panic rather than from the actual information sitting in front of us.
Barbara said something during our conversation that stuck with me: when we're overwhelmed by fear and shame, it becomes much harder to make clear-minded financial decisions. And that's the irony. We think beating ourselves up will somehow force us to do better, when it can actually make it harder for us to access the information and thinking we need to make better choices.
The original mistake may have cost you money. Shaming yourself for the mistake can cost you even more.
When Your Financial Reality Changes, but Your Lifestyle Doesn't
We talked about someone who had experienced a significant change in employment and income but was terrified to tell his family. He had been accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and so had they.
When your financial circumstances suddenly change, admitting that the old lifestyle no longer fits the current numbers can feel enormous. Maybe the country club membership has to go, or vacations and spending habits change. Maybe you have to sit across from people you love and say, “What I was making before isn't what I'm making right now.”
That's scary. It should be okay to admit that it's scary.
But "scary" and "shameful" are not the same thing.
What If We Could Learn Without Beating Ourselves Up?
If we can allow ourselves to experience the anxiety without immediately converting it into "I am a failure," then we have a much better chance of actually solving the problem. We can look at the numbers, make changes, ask for help, experiment, and learn in a healthy way.
And that's ultimately where Barbara and I landed when we started talking about bringing comedy into financial education. Comedy doesn't make debt disappear, or make losing a job painless, or magically increase your bank account.
But humor can lower the defenses enough for us to look at something we've been avoiding.
That's exactly why I use comedy when I teach about sex. I'm not laughing because the subject doesn't matter. I'm using laughter because sometimes people need a little room to breathe before they can talk about something that matters deeply.
If we're laughing and realizing we're not the only human beings who have ever screwed something up, felt awkward, or had absolutely no idea what we were doing, maybe we can stay in the conversation a little longer.
Maybe finances need some of that too.
Because we can't shame people into becoming better learners. We can help them become safer beginners.
Maybe you've made a terrible financial decision.
Okay.
What happened? What did you learn? What information didn't you have then that you have now? What would you test differently next time?
Those questions create curiosity.
Compare that with, "How could you be so stupid?"
That question doesn't create learning. It creates defense.
Acknowledging the Stakes Without Making It Personal
None of this means pretending financial consequences aren't real. Sometimes the stakes are incredibly high. Losing a job is scary. Debt is scary. Cutting back on a lifestyle you've worked hard to build is scary. Looking at a bank account that isn't where you expected it to be is scary. Not knowing whether you'll make the same amount of money again is scary.
We don't have to pretend otherwise.
We can simply stop adding “and therefore something is wrong with me” to the end of every frightening experience.
Curiosity Is a Better Business Strategy Than Shame
Maybe that's what a healthier financial learning process looks like.
You feel anxious.
Then you feel awkward.
Eventually, the new behavior becomes familiar.
You practice and become more competent.
And somewhere much further down the road, confidence begins to grow.
You may have made money before and be trying to figure out how to make it again. Or you may be learning financial skills for the first time. Your circumstances may have changed and the financial decisions that worked five years ago simply don't work anymore.
That's life.
That's learning.
The goal isn't to shame yourself into making better financial decisions. It's to honestly and kindly look at what is happening, analyze your choices, learn from your mistakes, stay curious and test something different.
This is also a major part of what I teach in my Open Business Doors business course: how to approach your business with curiosity, test what you're doing, learn from the information you're getting and make your next decision without turning every result into a judgment about yourself.
Because whether Barbara Quan and I are talking about finances or I'm talking about sex, relationships or business, we keep coming back to remarkably similar human behavior.
We learn better when we don't have to hide.
