Humor, Play, and Flirting: The Missing Ingredients in Your Relationship

When couples tell me they want a better sex life, they usually expect me to recommend difficult conversations, communication exercises, or emotional breakthroughs.

Sometimes I do.

But often, I ask them to do something much simpler.

Have fun together.

One of the biggest misconceptions about intimacy is that it's supposed to happen naturally. We assume that attraction, flirtation, and connection should somehow maintain themselves over years of life, stress, responsibilities, parenting, careers, and everything else that comes with being an adult.

But that's not how human beings work.

By the time many couples seek sex therapy or couples therapy for relationship challenges, emotional and physical intimacy have become associated with pressure rather than connection. Their nervous systems aren't experiencing intimacy as playful or exciting anymore. Instead, it gets filtered through what therapists often call the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

Some partners become resentful or argumentative when pressed on intimacy. Others avoid the topic altogether. Some feel stuck or disconnected. Others engage out of obligation rather than a genuine desire.

But when intimacy and pressure become intertwined, it's difficult to step back and access curiosity, connection, or playfulness with your partner.

That's why my first goal in sex therapy is to build trust and create safety, not just to focus on sex by itself.

Most Couples Aren't Broken

One thing I've noticed over years of being a sex therapist is that a lot of my clients don’t come to therapy because they’re experiencing a lack of love. In fact, many are incredibly close. They're best friends.

The challenge for them is that somewhere along the way, they've unintentionally stopped engaging with each other as romantic partners. They've settled into routines, responsibilities, and friendship dynamics that leave no room for flirtation or spontaneity. 

In many cases, what they really need is a gentle nudge back toward playful connection, not a complete relationship overhaul.

Healthy intimacy is not something couples either have or don't have. It is a set of relationship skills that can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time. Like communication, trust, and emotional connection, intimacy grows when couples intentionally invest in it.

Why I Use Play in Therapy

One of my favorite ways to help couples reconnect is through games. Not high-pressure exercises. Not awkward performances. Just simple, low-stakes games that help them engage with each other in new and fun ways.

Games create opportunities for laughter, reduce performance anxiety, and remind couples that connection doesn't have to feel so serious all the time.

Humor has a unique ability to lower defenses and help people feel safe enough to try something different. And when people feel safe, they're more willing to take emotional risks.

The Power of Eye Contact

One exercise I frequently use is an eye contact game. At first, it sounds incredibly simple. Partners sit together and intentionally maintain eye contact for a short period of time.

What surprises many people is how vulnerable that can feel. They often laugh, giggle, or look away. They realize how long it's been since they've really paused and looked at one another. And that discomfort isn't a sign that something is wrong. It's often a sign that they're reconnecting with a form of intimacy that's been neglected.

As couples practice, something shifts. The eye contact becomes less awkward and more enjoyable, so much so that many couples even begin incorporating the game into their daily lives.

Adding Meaning to the Moment

One way to deepen the eye contact game is by pairing the eye contact with intentional thoughts.

While looking at your partner, silently think kind thoughts about them, like:

"I love you."

"I'm grateful for you."

"You matter to me."

It's fascinating how these internal messages often entirely change the game. Facial expressions soften, body language shifts, the nervous system relaxes. Your partner often notices the difference, even if they can't read your mind.

That's all part of "recoding" the experience. Instead of associating intimacy with pressure, obligation, or anxiety, you're creating new associations with warmth, safety, affection, and play.

Relearning How to Flirt

Best friends make great couples… if they remember how to flirt.

Flirting is one of the ways human beings communicate interest, affection, and playfulness throughout a relationship. Flirting isn't about performing. It's about creating moments of connection.

It's a smile.

It's a compliment.

A lingering glance.

A playful joke.

These small but impactful moments help keep romantic energy alive. These small moments remind partners that they are more than roommates, co-parents, or teammates managing household responsibilities. They're romantic partners first and foremost.

Opening the Door Again

People learn best when they feel safe, curious, and engaged.

That's why I use humor, why I use play, why I encourage flirting. Because rekindling intimacy isn't just about solving problems or slogging through daily life together. It's about creating positive experiences together and teaching the nervous system to associate intimacy and closeness with fun, play, and the positive.

If you'd like more support building emotional intimacy, strengthening communication, and bringing more playfulness back into your relationship, check out Built to Last Couples. In this masterclass, you'll learn practical tools to help you reconnect with your partner and create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Built to Last